Satan was bored. Day after day of the same old thing – fry a couple of tormented souls here – and fry a couple there. It was hardly glamorous work, and as you know Satan’s weak point is his pride and it didn’t sit well with him that he was just a worker in God’s boiler room.
As he sat there, disemboweling a few demons and stoking up the fires, a brilliant thought came into his head. It was so brilliant he started to laugh. The laugh became a belly laugh, and before long he was curled up on the floor with red-hot tears pouring out of his red eyes. He knew this was a big one and he would have to go and ask God if it was all right to put his new idea into practice.
Satan had really enjoyed his belly laugh and it was so long since he’d been so happy. God was always happy and that really pissed him off. Even at the gates of paradise, still thousands of miles from God’s throne, you could hear God’s laughter. It bellowed around the heavens – a really deep, and uncontrollable ‘ho ho ho’. As Satan got nearer the volume of God’s laugh became almost unbearable. He pressed the button on the speakerphone outside the throne room.
‘Whooo iiisss iiiitt” came an answer like a Gregorian chant.
‘It’s me Satan, who do you think it is, George Clooney? I’ve got an appointment with his magnificence.’
With that, the massive oak doors opened, and once Satan had become accustomed to the brilliant white light he entered the room.
God was on the floor, curled up laughing. Eventually, he noticed Satan and managed to gain some composure.
‘What do you want you little twat?’ God enquired.
‘I’ve come to see you about the new idea – you know the one I mentioned in the scroll.’
‘Oh yes – well tell me what it is and then piss off – you’re spoiling my fun.’
Satan preened himself a little, stroking his fingers over his horns – he knew God would like this one.
‘I would like to build a world where all the creatures have to eat each other to stay alive.’
He looked at God’s face – there was no expression.
Eventually God sighed.
‘You pathetic little moron – take a look at this.’
With that, God summoned the angels to bring out the hologram machine. They plugged it into the heavenly mains and God slowly navigated through a list of items on his iPad.
‘What do you think this is?’
With that, the hologram produced an image of a blue planet, with blotchy white bits.
‘Haven’t been doing your homework have you. Not only have I already created such a world but I also made a species that is cognisant of its own mortality – and there’s fuck all they can do about it.’
With this God started choking and spluttering and before long was once again in a full-blown belly laugh. Angels appeared collecting the tears streaming down his beard. Eventually, he once again pulled himself together, swatted the angels away and looked intently at Satan.
‘Do want to know what is really, really funny – eh. Do you want to know what keeps me rolled up in belly laughs for eternity? This species called humans try to make out they’re having a good time.’ With that he cracked up again.
Satan waited for the fit to fade away – and having got all this information his quick mind came up with another brilliant idea.
‘I’m sorry to trouble your magnificence, but I do have another suggestion. Would it be possible to create a talent show for these human creatures that becomes a global obsession and where no one ever actually wins anything.’
God’s expression turned to anger.
‘You disappoint me. Now piss off – I’ve already done it. Its called X – something or other.’
With this, God turned his flat screen earth-scope back on and once again fell into an uncontrolled laugh.
Satan left dejected. Why should God have all the fun.
When he got back he peeled the skin from half a dozen demons while pouring hot molten lava over their bodies – just for spite.